[LISA LEWIS] The Am I Ok? Podcast is part of the Practice of the Practice network, a network of podcasts seeking to help you market and grow your business and yourself. To hear other podcasts like Faith Fringes, the Holistic Counseling Podcast, and Beta Male Revolution, go to the website, www.practiceofthepractice.com/network. Welcome to the Am I Ok? Podcast, where you will discover that being highly sensitive is something to embrace and it’s actually a gift you bring to the world. We will learn together how to take ownership of your high sensitivity, so you can make positive changes in your life, in the lives of others, and it’s totally okay to feel this way. I’m your host, Lisa Lewis. I’m so glad you’re here for the journey. Welcome to today’s episode of the Am I Ok? Podcast. I’m your host, Lisa Lewis. Thank you so much for tuning in. I would like to remind my listeners that I offer a free eight-week email course titled Highly Sensitive People. My email course provides weekly tools that help you feel more whole in a world isn’t exactly made for us and I show you how your sensitivity can be seen as a unique gift and how many others are just like you. To find out more about my email course, please go to my website, amiokpodcast.com. My guest today is Elena Perella. She is a personal coach for high achievers and a domestic violence and eating disorders advocate. She raises awareness on the root cause of these problems so that we can eradicate it and free ourselves and our children from unnecessary suffering. Welcome to the show, Elena. [ELENA PERELLA] Hi, Lisa. Hi everyone. Thank you for having me. [LISA] Oh, you’re welcome. So glad that you can be here today. As I like to begin my interviews by asking my guests, do you consider yourself a highly sensitive person or not? If you do or don’t, can you share a story about that? [ELENA] Yes, I am highly sensitive. In the beginning, I didn’t really know, I mean, I didn’t have a name for this quality, that I consider a quality today. In my search for the truth about myself, I found it. I do, I am a highly sensitive person. Yes. [LISA] How does it show up in your life? What do you notice about your high sensitivity? [ELENA] I have the tendency to feel deeply other people’s emotions, feelings, moods. I can perceive noises that are not very clear to others where you have to pay real attention to. This was very overwhelming in the beginning and also frustrating because I didn’t want to feel that way, overwhelmed. Little by little I learned to create a distance between me and people and also events that would go on in the world struggles, all the noise from the outside world so that I could protect myself without closing myself up for others and for situations that were happening outside me. [LISA] Well, I can relate to that. I also feel deeply and can get overwhelmed by that. I’ve had to learn how to separate my own emotions and feelings from that of other people. That’s just a process in itself. It’s also very freeing not feeling like the weight of the world on my shoulders. [ELENA] Yes, exactly. I felt this, what you described now that the world is on your shoulder or your shoulders, and yes, if you don’t do anything about it becomes a prison because it is too much, and it feels as if everything demands something of you. But you cannot give so much, right? [LISA] Exactly, you can’t give so much of yourself because then you become depleted, and then that can lead to sickness or illness. [ELENA] Absolutely. I spent many, many years in trying to understand how I could separate myself from all that without becoming called any indifferent. Well, I found a way, and it works perfectly because I still connect with people very deeply, but I don’t make their feelings my own, for example. I don’t understand other people’s suffering, and I can feel it, but it doesn’t feel as a weight on my shoulders anymore. In this way, I can be of better service to others. [LISA] So that leads me to my next question, how did you become a coach for high achievers? [ELENA] It was a long process. I always had a passion for human behavior since I was a child. I had a passion for behavior, animals behavior in the beginning, and then it grew to this interest for humans development and evolution. My question when I was a child, I think I was 10, was why do we have to suffer so much? I didn’t understand that. Because I was very happy, I was very active and I couldn’t understand why there was so much suffering in families in neighborhoods. When I became a teenager, I lost that focus on behavior because I began to manifest what I call my family’s toxic emotional inheritance. So I developed unhealthy behaviors like smoking, the binge eating disorder, and I was bullied at school. I was very sensitive and sensible at that time. When I became 19, I woke up due to my father’s death, and I began to see things as they really are. It was then I began to understand that I was also highly sensitive. This is why I suffered double comparing with other people. It was then that I began to coach myself, and that I understood that that was also my mission in in life. I chose the high achievers. Actually, I chose them recently because I am a high achiever, and this is the person, ambitious determines people who want to do everything perfectly, people like me. [LISA] I also consider myself a high achiever too, and I have to watch out for that because like the goal can just take over and then everything else doesn’t. It’s like I don’t, I have blinders on and I don’t see everything else that I need to look at or take care of, and that one goal just becomes like the end goal. [ELENA] Yes. You said something that hits me because you said the goal takes over. It happened to me, and it was a challenge because one, I was aware of that, so I thought, okay, how can I be a high achiever? How can I be a perfectionist? How can I be determined and ambitious without allowing the goal to take over and lead my life and making me feel overwhelmed with eyes only for it? I found a way, so I eliminated my family’s toxic emotional inheritance, because it was that was making me, that was forcing me to sabotage myself and to work and to do too much that at one point became it wasn’t enjoyable anymore and it was making me sick. [LISA] When you got sick, does that mean when you had like the eating disorder or something else? [ELENA] Well, I went through also a couple of burnouts, yes, because I was doing too much. Well, the eating disorders were manifestation of what I inherited from my parents, the toxic script that I was programmed to manifest in my life. My mother has a troubled relationship with food. Also, I wasn’t very welcomed in this world, so she didn’t want to have children, and she passed onto me fears, lack of self-confidence and lack of self-esteem. She fuels the toxic tendencies that she passed on me with her parenting. Of course, I manifested those in my life in the form of binge eating and bulimia and yes, those tendencies were also quite destructive. I could eliminate, I could heal, I could cure from the eating disorders only by eliminating the root cause, so the tendency that were passed onto me and heal in the inner emotional wounds caused by my mother’s poor parenting. [LISA] I’m curious, Elena as you went through this healing journey for yourself, and you saw the patterns within inside your family, did you have a lot of anger at your parents, or did you come to a place where maybe you saw their wounding, or you have a different word for it, that you could also have compassion for them? [ELENA] Yes. I was very angry at them. I had to, how can I say, I had to really embrace that anger and make peace with what happened by, at the same time while I was embracing that anger understanding why they did what they did. Because they were both responsible, but also not responsible for what I went through in my life because what they did was also a program. Both my parents didn’t have the awareness of breaking up with the generational traumas, and by understanding why they did what they did to me. I could develop compassion towards them and also make peace in my heart with them because, well, my father will never know it because he died before I came to this conclusion. With my mother it was a difficult process because she never asked she never told me that she was sorry, for example. I would have appreciated that very much because okay, you did it, but tell me at least that you are sorry that you couldn’t help it. This facilitates the building of a good relationship despite what happens. But she never did that. So I had to do is myself, and eventually I achieved my goal and I forgave her by understanding her wounds and her difficulty in telling me I am sorry. [LISA] Even though she did, she never told you she was sorry? [ELENA] Yes, she never told me that. Despite that, I could close the chapter for both. [LISA] Wow, that’s incredible to be able to do that. It doesn’t sound like it’s that easy. [ELENA] No, it wasn’t easy at all because I wanted to confront her with what she did. I needed her to talk with me about that. She never did that. When I told her she didn’t accept it, she refused to take responsibility for that. So we fought often and it went on the fight for many, many years until she began to realize that perhaps she, although she never said that, she had some share in what I went through, but she really never had the love, I don’t know, maybe the courage to say Elena, forgive me, I’m sorry. I didn’t do it on purpose. I couldn’t do it better. It was stronger than I am. So these, if you have children, these words can do magic to your relationship with them. [LISA] Can you say those words again? [ELENA] I’m sorry, I didn’t do it on purpose. It was stronger than I am. I love you. [LISA] Wow, beautiful [ELENA] It doesn’t take that much. It doesn’t take that much and it really heals the relationship between parents and children. Yes. [LISA] I could see how that would do a lot of healing for the relationship. [ELENA] Yes because you know a child can really understand, can understand so much, and can understand also the struggles that parents go through. So I think that’s, he or she will always be ready to forgive, to understand, but parents have to make the first step. Unfortunately, my mother never did. So this is why it was more difficult and painful also. [LISA] I could see how that would be very painful and like having to do it all yourself. I hear like a lot of resistance on her part. [ELENA] Yes. [LISA] I also understand like resistance to take ownership or responsibility, accountability for your actions and behavior, because that may open like a Pandora’s box, and then you really have to look at everything in your life. I feel that some people don’t want to do that, and they’d rather just keep that box or door closed. [ELENA] Yes. I am afraid that this is a majority but I also know, thanks to what I realized in my life, that this resistance is not something that we have under control. So you cannot just open up and take responsibility for your actions, otherwise everybody will do it. We are not so stupid to choose to hurt ourselves or our children or other people. It’s that we really have no control on our behavior until we wake up. I could take responsibility, meaning that I began to respond to what I inherited and I was manifesting, and so I could eliminate the root cause, but if I didn’t woke up, I couldn’t have done that. You really have to wake up and see things as they really are. Then you can, then you are free to choose. Otherwise, we are not free to choose because nobody is so stupid to choose to smoke, for example, knowing that it hurts, it makes you ill, and it waste, you waste your money and energy. So we are not really in control of our choices unless we wake up. [LISA] What is your idea or for someone to wake up? What does that look like to you? [ELENA] Unfortunately, until now I heard only stories of people who woke up because of tragedies, tragic events like it happened to me, the death of my father, for example. I ask myself many time if it is possible to wake up without going through tragedies. I still haven’t found the answer. I can make hypothesis, like at least be willing to talk about your struggles with someone who could perhaps help you wake up. It could be a way, but you have to be willing to hear things that might touch deeply in your heart. [LISA] Well, I like that. I like that. So most people wake up if there’s a tragedy that’s happened in their life, and you’re wondering if it’s possible not to have a tragedy, but just like a willingness to understand yourself better. If you can hear what, maybe the truth from other people, maybe what they have to say about you or something that might be hard to hear. [ELENA] Yes, it could be a way. Yes. [LISA] I hear in that, that takes a lot of courage too, by the individual who wants to wake up and hear those things. [ELENA] Yes. I see many people struggling with this because they have, yes, the resistance that you were talking about to admit that they have been the cause of their children’s suffering, for example. But there is nothing to feel guilty about. We all cause something in the life of other peoples. We all affect each other’s lives. It is what it is. So we are not islands. No. We are all connected. Just think of, for example what you eat for lunch. It’s not a personal choice. You might think that, but just think and reflect on where it comes from, what you eat. It has a story. Your food has a story. There are people who transport it to your table, people who sell it in the supermarket where you buy it, people who produce that for you. So you see, when we make that choice, we are influencing the life of many others, right? Because the one who transports the foods so that you can buy it, well, he earns money, thanks to the fact that you buy it. He perhaps has a family, children that lives, that live thanks to that money and what they do, how they are affected by it, influenced by it. The people who produce the food that we eat, that you eat, for example, are they treated well or not? Do they have families and they can support their families with thanks to the fact that they produce the food that you eat? I mean so we do affect each other so why not start thinking that we also affect the life of our children from the very beginning, from conception? If you see that your children display unwanted behaviors and go through difficult experiences, instead of blaming them try and think, okay, have I done something so that my children now are manifesting all that? If yes, what, or have I passed something to them? And without do that without judgment, without feeling guilty, without feeling bad about it. Because if you do recognize that, then you have a big chance that to help your children eliminate the root cause of those behaviors, to prevent your children from going unnecessary suffering by first helping yourself eliminate the root cause. One of my clients came to me very bravely, and when she opened the door, she said, Elena, I am destroying the life of my children. Help me. I thought, wow, this lady is really determined. It doesn’t take much and you don’t have to feel bad about it. She was happy that she found someone with who she could be so open to admit what she passed onto their children and what she was doing to them, so that she could change the course of history and help them by helping first herself. [LISA] Now, what about the partner, if both people in the partnership, do they need to take ownership or is one partner enough to heal the children because I feel — [ELENA] Both is better. [LISA] Oh, both is better. [ELENA] Yes. Because if children display unwanted behaviors, if they go through very difficult experiences, if they are frequently aggressive, I mean, there is something in the relationship between their parents that needs to be needs to be considered, needs to be seen. [LISA] So are you saying that the child or the children may act out what happened in the partnership between the parents? [ELENA] Yes, the relationship between the father and mother influences the development of the child, absolutely. [LISA] Well, I’m just sitting with this and just listening and that sounds very powerful and life changing for everybody involved. Like I said before, it takes a lot of courage and like you said, your client that she was really brave just to come out and say that. [ELENA] Yes. It’s just, don’t be hard on yourself and open the door because we all, I think most of us are born with a toxic inheritance, we inherit the good, the bad and the ugly. The ugly is the toxic. It is what compromises the quality of our lives and future, our children and future generation. So why not understanding this peacefully, serenely and be willing to break, break up with this generational traumas with this inheritance, toxic inheritance to enjoy your life more, to discover more of yourself, and to stop yourself from going through destructive experiences, painful experiences that are not really yours because they are inherited, so that you can also prevent your children from going through it. It’s not too late. I can say it’s never too late because, for example, for my ex-partner at one point, it was too late. I was in a relationship with a narcissist, psychopath, and sociopath. For him was too late. But it doesn’t have to go so far. [LISA] It doesn’t have to go like into the deep end. If you can catch it, maybe, so it doesn’t go so far, everyone’s life is not destroyed. [ELENA] Exactly. Yes. [LISA] Elena, what would you like listeners to take away from our conversation today? [ELENA] I would like to say that you are the reality for your children. You deserve to be fully satisfied yourself. So if there is something that does not allow you to live the way you want, observe yourself, be with your emotions, and reflect on yourself, trying to understand what you really want and maybe take a first step by discerning what is yours and what is inherited, and try to focus more on the beneficial traits that you have. Try to challenge fears that are trying to stop you, to achieve your goals and see what happens. If you have children, be a guiding presence and a friend to them, and ensure that your child feels safe to come to you with any questions they might have, and help them find the answers. [LISA] Oh, I love that. I have a big smile on my face. That felt really good. It just felt really hopeful. [ELENA] Thank you. [LISA] Where can listeners get in touch with you? [ELENA] They can visit my website, it’s sentidu.com. It’s S E N T I D U.com. They can find me on LinkedIn. I’m also on Facebook. [LISA] Okay, thank you. All that information will be in the show notes too. [ELENA] Thank you. [LISA] Thank you so much for coming on the show today, Elena. It’s been wonderful to have you here. [ELENA] Thank you for having me. It was a pleasure. [LISA] Thanks for listening. Please let me know what you thought of the episode. Send me an email to lisa@amiokpodcast.com. Remember to subscribe, rate and review wherever you get your podcast. To find out more about Highly Sensitive Persons, please visit my website at amiokpodcast.com and subscribe to my free eight-week email course to help you navigate your own sensitivities and to show you that it’s okay not to take on everyone else’s problems. This is Lisa Lewis reminding each and every one of you that you are okay. Until next time, be well. Thank you for listening today at Am I Ok? Podcast. If you are loving the show, please rate, review and subscribe to it on your favorite podcast platform. Also, if you’d like to learn how to manage situations as a highly sensitive person, discover your unique gift as a highly sensitive person, and learn how to be comfortable in your own skin, I offer a free eight-week email course called Highly Sensitive People. Just go to amiokpodcast.com to sign up. In addition, I love hearing from my listeners, drop me an email to let me know what is on your mind. You can reach me at lisa@amiokpodcast.com. This podcast is designed to provide accurate and authoritative information in regards to the subject matter covered. It is given with the understanding that neither the host, the publisher, or the guests are rendering legal, accounting, clinical, or any other professional information. If you want to professional, you should find one.